Stationary solitude
At times solitude can be refreshing. The quietness, the calm, being still and present. Other times, companionship is needed, someone who is comforting, solid, and patient, kind…
Its when solitude becomes loneliness is when it becomes troublesome. Its when we become vulnerable, and tempted. Society has created a trap for us, in our quest for items, space, we’ve lost a sense of community. There are many people I’m sure who feel isolated in this world of plenty, we’re starved for companionship, because our spouses work too much, family lives too far away, and neighbors keep to themselves.
What is the solution? Be more outgoing? Where to start? I don’t want 100 people who I “chat” with each week. I want resolute, solid relationships with people who would be lifelong friends, loyal, capable of lifting me when I fall, and vice versa. Where are the people who will accept other people without judgment. Does that even exist? I guess.
I’m tired of being sad, and I’m tired of talking about it. I think that the people…ok person I’m leaning on will tire of being any support to me, and walk on. Its getting old to me, and I’m sure its getting old to him too. I find myself wanting his attention though, and support in a way that may be inappropriate. The voice in my mind is telling me to stop, back off, it will hurt and not be helpful. Another thought in my mind knows that he is solid and steady, and would disapprove of my thoughts. If he knew them, he’d either ignore them, or voice is disapproval and distance himself from me. If things had been different, I think he would have sheltered me, in ways that I would need it, but…I also don’t feel that I would ever be worthy of that. So, now I feel that I should probably return to my sorrowful solitude, to smolder what I didn’t mean to exist anyway, for the sake of my family, and my marriage.
So back to being present. Solitary. Dreaming of something that will never come to fruition, and smiling about that anyway.
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