A fresh look
So, today I went to the therapist for the first time. I’m on the fence as to weather or not I like her, but I think today was somewhat positive.
I wasn’t sure where to start, so I just started with the things that concerned me the most. My mother’s illness, and my own age. To start, my mother’s illness has effected me in so many ways I wasn’t really aware. My mother has become my best friend in the last 5+ years that I’ve been home. We had reached a comfortable place in our life that I told her everything, and for the most part she has offered unwaivering support and advice. With her illness, I’ve talked to her less. I’ve shared with her less, only because I don’t want the things in my life to worry her. She is such a worrier. Her illness has also brought my own mortality to the forefront, which has caused me to re-evaluate my life at every angle. This, is what is called a mid-life crisis.
Often times, these are accompanied with abrupt changes that will make someone make drastic changes in their life to recapture their youth. Divorce, the buying of new cars, obtaining a younger mate..etc. Typically I picture the upper-middle class man, who’s pushing 45-50 with his 24 year old trophy wife, and his red sports car. Apparently though, these things can happen to a 30 year old house wife, who is alone too much and has the insatiable sex drive that accompanies her at this age. She told me that often after the dust settles though with this kind of crisis, comes a wiser calm. Weather changes had been made, or weather things stayed as they were, the re-evaluation process will hopefully leave me a happier, more grounded person.
I will say this. I am unhappy. I’m happy when I’m with my kids, but they are not a walk in the park. Parenthood just isn’t. I’m unhappy because my husband works so much, and gets no extra compensation for the excess time he puts in, so I’m alone, and broke. I’m unhappy because I feel like I’ve been thrust into a supportive position in my family, and sacrifices have to be made on my part. Sometimes these sacrifices are easy to make, other times they hurt. I’m tired of hurting, I”m tired of loneliness, I”m tired of being depended on and not having anyone else to depend on. I’m thinking that things will get easier though as I go. My son now is in school, and my daughter starts school next week. I’m sad to see them going, but maybe it will give me time to branch out, get my head on straight, and start on a better track.
Anyway, I’m continuing my therapy next week. Maybe my confident, researcher, kick-butt mom mentality will return, and I can start fighting again. As for right now, I’m out for the count, and trying to recover.
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