Empty or Broken?
Is it better to have an empty heart, or a broken one?
Today I feel like I’m spiralling downward a bit. I’ve realized that I have either fallen out of love with my husband, or I am just completely numb to any emotions that I may have had for him at one time. I dug around my room this morning for a picture from our wedding day, and taped it to my bathroom mirror. He’ll probably think its a loving gesture, and I suppose it is. What he won’t know is that I’m trying to remember how I felt. I’m trying to get it back somehow, me being in love with him. I even looked at my wedding dress this morning, touched it, in hopes that somehow I would feel something. What I felt, was nothing.
I’ve heard of people say to their spouses, I love you, but I’m not in love with you. And to so many, that has the lingering feeling of divorce and seperation. Of cheating, and finding new love. The reality is, while it may be easy to fall in love, its difficult to stay in love. I cannot break my husband’s heart, because I know he somehow loves me every day. I dont’ know how he does it, I don’t think I’m deserving of all of that. Specially when I’ve realized a shameful secret in my own heart. I do love him, but I am not in love with him. I’m sure that if I were actually capable of spending time with him, I’d fall in love with him again. At least, I hope I would.
For the first time, in almost a month, I looked longingly at my knife set. To cut the pain out. This longing also jolted with more pain. Pain of guilt, knowing my children deserve a mother who is sound of mind and spirit. I had found companionship briefly, however I am unsure of its permanence, and the wall has gone up for now. I feel that his wall has gone up, and he shut me out anyway…and I will let him go with out a fight. So where as before, I was empty, now I am slightly broken. I will not break though, not until I am no longer needed by the beautiful souls that depend on me. If it wasn’t for them, right now, I’d probably be gone. What’s the point, remember?
I guess the question isn’t empty or broken, its a statement. Empty, and broken.
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