Updates…
I’ve been meaning to write lately, but life has been hectic, and spare minutes have been few. I’ve been on a roller coaster this month, gone from extreme highs, to extreme lows and various places in between. I guess I should start with a status on the marriage. We had an extreme blow out a few weeks ago, which almost ended us completely. I felt that he didn’t love me anymore, his actions…or lack thereof showed me I was little to be desired. We had a rare evening alone to ourselves, and in the end my sexual advances to him were ignored, even when I said…”Let’s go upstairs and have sex.” Apparently he thought I was joking, because we went upstairs and he rolled over and went to sleep. There were at least two other attempts on my part that night to show him I was truly in the mood. Once I finally become upset, and tell him how I feel, then of course he tries to come on to me, but by that time, the mood is completley gone, and my feelings are hurt.
The following day I tell him I can’t do it anymore. My heart has been broken enough, and that I go through phases where I love him, then I’m hurt by him, wall goes up, any feelings I have for him are numbed, to then being hopeful, rinse repeat. He told me that when I tell him what he’s doing, and he tries to fix things, that he’s not being fake. He honestly doesn’t know what he’s doing. He’s “just a guy” right? Are all men seriously not interested in being lovey with their wife? Am I an idiot? Does he love me or not? Has he fallen out of love and doesn’t want to admit it? Is he with me for other reasons other then love? He says he’s not. He says he can’t live with out me. Is that because he’s never lived with out someone taking care of him? He lived with his mom, now me. That’s it. Is he in love with his life, and not his wife? Someone please, tell me.
I think if I were to leave, it would break my heart. But I know the ins and outs of life, and I would be fine. I could find a job, find a home and take care of my children. I would be ok. Him, however. He’d be clueless I think. He’s never paid a bill in his life, and I’m sure he’d tank his credit. When I met him, it was falling, he was in debt, only because he was careless. He was pretty stupid with his money, so we decided that I would take care of it. Together we paid his debts, got him a new car, and out of the lease he was in with his. I know him though, he’s the take out king, and he would never cook for himself. He would ring up his credit cards again until he’s blue in the face. He even told me if I left he’d start smoking again…why?
Well, on the upside, I’m in the hopeful phase. A guarded love phase. I’m not numb, but I haven’t completely opened my heart. I’m tired of it being broken. I’m truly giving my marriage every ounce of effort that I can. I know its in the best interests of my entire family if we make this work. However…I know if it doesn’t, I’ll be ok. I won’t want to be alone, so…I wonder if I’d just put myself back in the same situation that I’m in. I know I’m spoiled to a certain degree, but the one thing he doesn’t spoil is my heart. I’ll give back any gift, any computer, any fancy house, just to know in my heart that I’m loved. That I’m loved for the right reasons, and wanted. Is that too hard…for him, it might be.
You poor thing. I read your post thinking it could have been me that wrote it. We’re still living under the same roof until I can get finances sorted but it *is* over now.
All I wanted were those little intimacies too … thought it wasn’t too much to ask, but apparently it was.