Settled in dust
This morning I woke to hearing my daughter call me because she had to go potty. My husband was already downstairs with my son making him breakfast, so I went to go get her and brought her to the potty. A hellacious tantrum ensued as she explained she wanted to wear her “jammy jammas” all day. This blow out of hers lasted almost 30 minutes, and the majority of that time was her spent on her time out chair in her underwear because she refused to get dressed.
While that was going on, the cat shit in the dining room, I yelled at my husband for ignoring the clean dishes in the dishwasher and the pile of dirty dishes in the sink that he ignored. I couldn’t make coffee if I couldn’t fill the pot with water, right? My son sat at the kitchen table quietly reading his book, and the poor dog was not let out of his kennel, and he quietly observed the situation as well. My daughter still screaming, my husband looking at me pleadingly because he needed to leave five minutes ago to go to work, and all I wanted was a cup of coffee before I made breakfast for my daughter, and packed my son’s lunch.
I didn’t fully calm down for an hour. By the time I reached my son’s school to walk him to his classroom, the dust had settled. So did my general boredom, and dissatisfaction with my life. I think it is depression talking, but I feel as though I’m a failure at everything. My house is dirty, my career has been put on hold, I’m bored as hell all the time, and what little work I’m doing right now, I don’t feel like I”m doing it well. I have a gig this week, thank GOD. I have 8 students in my studio where last year at this time I was pushing 20. I know circumstances have changed, and the economy is changing, and violin/viola lessons are just fluff that people seem to not be able to afford right now. Sadly for us, that means ends aren’t being met. We’re slowly sinking in the whole financially, so…there’s another failure for me to add to my list. I’m not used to failing. I’ve never failed at anything I”ve tried, yet…now for some reason, I keep failing. I fail at my weight, I fail at motherhood, I fail at housekeeping, I fail at my career, I fail at being a wife, I fail at being a friend, I fail even at being a pet owner.
Even the darker thoughts of death are starting to creep back in my mind. I haven’t thought of them very much at all lately, and then last night as I’m getting ready for bed…I look in the mirror and I think its all temporary. Of course it is, it’s life…it’s not meant to last forever. But as I’m going to bed, I think of how my bones will sit in a coffin, and slowly decay. I grab my husband’s hand as I’m drifting off to sleep, and I feel his bones, that I know will one day decay. Sometimes I’m able to pull myself into a happy place when I fall asleep. Knowing it’s just a mask over reality just so I can rest peacefully, but I’m getting tired. I’m tired of pulling tricks just to smile, just to sleep soundly. Why do I think this way? Does everyone else think like this? Is it because my mom is sick? Oh yeah, I guess I fail at being a daughter too, why not throw being a sucky sister while I’m at it too.
So, here I am settling in dust….dust to dust I suppose eh?
You are not a failure.
You have two beautiful healthy children that you and your husband created together with the love for each other. Many couples have problems conceiving and many would love to have the opportunity of listening to a child of their own screaming while sitting in the timeout chair (and of course wearing nothing else but her underwear). This is what makes life both beautiful and comical but at the same time miserable.
It is all in your perception… You choose to see what you want to see. Do you want to focus on all that is negative about this picture (the dirty dishes, the screaming child)? Or do you choose to see the beauty of it (the dirty dishes that you OWN, and the child that you CREATED)?
As for your husband, did you ask him to do the dishes beforehand? Is this routine? Husbands have to be told directly but not in a degrading way. If you are not communicating with him directly- he will never get it. Make a chore chart if you need to (thats what I do). Tell him that you would greatly appreciate if he could make the coffee for you in the morning while you deal with the kids and that it would make your day that much brighter. What can he do to make you happier and your life easier.
Even though he works outside of the house, he has to keep up some chores so that he is contributing. Raising two children is a ton of work, you need his help. Besides, he has it easy- he gets to leave the house everyday. You have to stay which is harder than most think.
Death is all about perception. Do you focus on the fact that life will be all over one day or the fact that you were given a chance to experience it.
Be grateful for what you have. God gave you this chance.
So, you are not failure- You are a SUCCESS.