Thoughts on life
The last month has been full of ups and downs. Health wise, I’m still having issues with depression, and my thyroid. I can’t seem to get this straight. I started having dental issues about a month ago that I’m still working on getting over. I ended up having to get two wisdom teeth removed and the recovery has taken longer then I expected. This wednesday will be a month since they’ve been removed, and my mouth still isn’t pain free. I’ve gone through two bottles of ibuprofen in this time, and I’m doing my best now to go med free every day. I’m trying to give my body a break from all the meds.
Because of the tooth extraction, I haven’t been able to eat the way I’m supposed to. So I haven’t been taking my supplements, and I haven’t been exercising, because the raise in blood pressure would send me through the roof in tooth pain. Meaning, my depression is coming back, and as much as I fight the dark feelings, they linger. They ruin my happiest moments with reminders that it all ends, and that happiness doesn’t last.
This passed week was Thanksgiving, and my family went to Ohio to see my husband’s father and his wife. The visit was nice, and it was nice to be able to sleep a little extra, and not have to do any house work while I was there. I can’t say that while I was there I had many depressed thoughts. Maybe a few. I was still dealing with tooth pain that I had expected to be gone, and my husband was very good about letting me rest when I needed to.
I came home to a messy house. I hated that. But, we cleaned up over the weekend and even put up the Christmas tree. This time of year is my favorite time of year. I know every time I end up packing away my Christmas tree, I get sad that its all over again. But this year, putting it up held no joy. My head still hurt, and my house was messy so I was irritable. I also kept thinking about my own lack of faith in anything at the moment. I was tempted to stop by the church I drive by and speak to a priest. I wonder if I’d get thrown out. I’m athiest, and I don’t want to be. Show me to God…that’s what I would say. Would I be taken seriously? I’m tired of being alone, I’m tired of being scared, and at one point in my life, I believed in God. I wore my cross and I felt closer to Jesus. I also believed in Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny. They all seem to be fairy tails now, even the bible. Stories to tell you how to live, but only created from the imagination of a man.
The world is a mystery, I know. I just can’t get how some people believe with their entire being a faith, live for it, die for it, and kill for it. This is the path my depressed thoughts take.
Leave a Reply