Failure
I failed you Jim. Not because of how your life turned out, but for the brief moment I was in it. You were a bright light, talented, sweet, committed, and…somehow I failed you. My light was not bright enough, my thoughts were not inspiring, I was boring, bland, and uninteresting. I failed you. I always lied to myself, saying that you found a different love and you had to follow your heart. I enjoyed watching you explore other sides of your talents. It was obvious you were comfortable on a stage, and not behind 50 people. You had to be out front. I didn’t say what I should have said. When you left my class, I should have told you how sad I was to see such a good kid go. I didn’t. I just simply wished you the best. I watched you from a distance, saying hi in passing. Had I been a brighter light, you would have followed. Had I been better at my job, you would have been inspired. I don’t think for a moment that had I been better at anything would you be alive today, but, I’m sorry I wasn’t better anyway.
Even now I fail you. I should be mourning the loss of such a young life. Lost in stupidity and selfishness of another. You didn’t know your mother would be coming home shortly afterward, and share the same fate. You thought you were safe, sleeping in your own house. And you should have been. However, my thoughts turn on how I failed you. You will remain an icon in my life of my own failure. You are a failure I chose to not admit. I am now seeing more failure in my own life, which again…is even more failure. I refuse to fail you though in paying my respects. It will be hard for me today to come to your wake. I know it won’t make a bit of difference to anyone if I come or not. Not even you. But I will come anyway, because if I don’t, I will have failed you one final time. At least in my own heart, I can still try not to fail at everything.
I am sorry to you, it has taken me several days to try to respond to this. I did not know Jim, but I have worked with and seen talented and beautiful young people who, so it would seem had their light stolen too young. I cannot say I have felt the particular pain you are feeling but I can say that I have found peace in knowing God. We live in a cruel and fallen world, a world mostly of our own creation and workmanship, a world we try our best not to see. I do know you, and how big and truly amazing you heart is. You feel deep inside where it is hard for people to touch you and only the strongest of emotions can hope to caress you in the depths of your heart. With that heart you love the world, opinionated, strong and loving are the words I think of when we talk. Sometimes life has a way of making us look back, Death always makes us look back and with that you look for ways you may have saved whomever you are thinking about. What could have been different, what might have changed where could you have made this short life better.
In the end I cannot change how you feel and I do not believe that anyone should. I believe deep inside you are working to quell the demons that plague you mind and you will win, if you choose to accept the support of the people that love you. You husband working long days for you and still showing love to you the best he can (he is only a man we are.. hrmm.. uniquely flawed when showing love), your children when you look into their eyes you can know there are people on Earth who love you with honesty and fullness of heart. Last, your friends who are there for a shoulder or a hug and care about you very much. Never forget that even if you believe yourself to be a dull, small insignificant light; to someone who needs light you are the equivalent of the sun to them.
I know what I have said is not much (even if it is wordy) but I hope you can see the light in it and can see the hand extended by your friend.