The step backward

Today is a weepy day. I’m not sure why, I guess a simple disappointment set me off. I feel like I should be able to shrug it off, but for some reason it has sent my mood spiraling south. I almost feel like I’m drowning, and if I reach the top of the water there will be emotional stability and happiness. But, I don’t feel like trying right now. I don’t feel like removing my ass from my seat, yet I know that typing this all out is somehow therapeutic for me.

A friend that I haven’t seen in about five years is in the area today. She flew out from Nevada to visit a romantic interest and we both are hoping that she can kill two birds with one stone and visit me too. We had a falling out a couple years ago, we were working on a project together we were both passionate about. When times got tough, we lashed out at each other, and our friendship hadn’t been the same since then. We’ve been talking more and more lately, and I know at least I’m seeing a beautiful person that I have missed tremendously. I guess I mention her because I don’t want to have another disappointment on top of the one I’m dealing with and shouldn’t be. The one that made me depressed shouldn’t have made me depressed, but not seeing her will seriously bum me out, and I hope that I’m just able to manage that.

Today started off so beautifully. When my daughter woke up, I went to her room, and brought her back to my bed. It was almost like she was a baby again. She snuggled, and we snoozed, and it was heaven. Why can’t I just sit back and enjoy those moments with out lingering sadness? Even as I write that, I mourn that memory because it is gone. Sure, I could go pick her up and lay down on the couch with her, but she’s nearly three, and she wants to grow up, and I don’t want her to.

I’m just back where I was a few weeks ago, and I’m really not sure why, and I really don’t know where to go from here. Writing this didn’t help. Going to try a few herbs and maybe get out in the sunshine.

Update

So, alot has happened since my last post, well…at least in my world its alot.  I’ve reached out to people, and surprising acquaintances have become friends.  Two in particular stick out, one who I feel truly understands what I’m going through, and is encouraging with out me feeling like there’s any strings attached.  The other, seems to have a recurring theme.  A friend in need is a friend indeed.  I feel like I”m that friend in need, but…I don’t need anything but a friend.  So is that ok?  I”m a friend in need of a friend, does that make me a friend indeed?  I guess it does if I shut him out as soon as my life is settled, but I don’t think I can do that.  I”ve had friends like him before, and usually they get sick of me in the end.

Moving forward through this update, I believe I’ve connected with my husband on some sort of level again.  We managed to go to a wedding together, without the kids.  I think this time together was so needed.  We had fun together, and it was just the two of us.  We didn’t know anyone else but the couple getting married, so we had a nice dinner together in a romantic setting and got to talk and have fun.  I have to admit, it was nice.  I’ve talked to him about this sad day in my previous post, I’ve opened up to him about my sadness, my fears, and surprisingly it was helpful.  I think I was ashamed of my feelings, I felt that if I voiced them that somehow made me inadequate.  Voicing them here in this forum makes me hope that someone in my shoes knows their not alone.  I mentioned to him though that I felt marriage counseling was needed, and he disagrees.  He feels that I need counseling alone, so I will be doing that.

So, in the end, I’ve found a therapist, and I’ll begin seeing her at the end of the month.  Hopefully said therapist will be good so I won’t have to find another one.  A friend gave me some pointers about therapists, so hopefully with his guidance I’ll know where mine is shit or not.

I will continue to post here and there.  I will still continue to research natural solutions to my problems, etc.

The sad day

Today my depression is getting the best of me. I had a dream last night, about a former boyfriend that I had in highschool. He was one of those keeper guys that you don’t let slip passed your fingers, but I didn’t know that then, I was too stupid.

Now married for six years, I’m in a relationship with a man with the emotional aptitude of a brick wall. I cried all morning, and somehow he never noticed. About 5:00 I woke up from a dream that I was seventeen again. That I was with this other boyfriend again, remembering the sweet passion in his eyes, the longing. About 10 years ago, I felt he was too good for me. I told him before he made any serious changes in his life (i.e. he was planning on transferring to my college), that I didn’t think it would work out. I was pretty stupid.

Now I know that I’m in a position that could be final. I know that unless I left, I will be married to the same man for the rest of my life. He won’t leave me, and he’s a solid provider for his family. I think he is fulfilled in his work, and proud of his family and his life. He’s not violent, however he is neglectful. He doesn’t notice my pain, or my sadness. He doesn’t create passion in my life, he just is who he is, he doesn’t care who I am, he just stays with me anyway. Maybe that’s all he needs, but for some reason, I feel like I need more.

Today, I actually considered leaving. As soon as my mother is well, I’m thinking of selling our home, splitting whatever we may have salvaged from this horrible market, and going our separate ways. I feel like I have two options, to go rent a place up in Winchester, not far from where I live now, and finish my masters as a single mother, or…move out towards my best friend, and try to build a studio where she lives.

I haven’t opened this can of worms with him. I haven’t told him that daily I inch closer to calling it quits. I don’t even know if I would be happier with out him. Every time this thought has come to mind, I’ve pushed it out because of the kids. There is no one else, there has never been. This is just a desperate, lonely housewife, who’s had it with being the pillar of her family. Really, because I go up and help my grandmother every other weekend, get her groceries…she’s 87 years old, lives by herself, and I alternate weekends with my uncle. I call my mother faithfully every night to see how the chemo is doing for her. I wipe my children’s butts, and I do my family’s laundry, cooking, cleaning, finances. Who does anything for me? Is it even right that I ask? Should I live a life of selflessness in complete misery? I feel selfish for even asking someone to do something for me. What could they do? I feel guilty for sleeping in on Saturdays, for taking a longer shower then normal…

My children rely on me as their sole caretaker. They call me when they get hurt, yet they miss their father and cry every day when he leaves for work. What will it do to completely take him away? Will they be emotionally scared? Will they cry because daddy won’t be living with us anymore? I’ve told him we need counseling, yet neither one of us have actually made a step to do it. I think that perhaps the best thing to do is to seek counseling. Maybe I don’t have to wreck everyone’s life for my own pursuit of happiness. I’m not sure it will work though, my husband has often said that men don’t change. He didn’t expect to change, and who he is is who he is. When we got married, perhaps I was more emotionally balanced, I had a good career, no children, my parents were in pretty good health. I was thin, and even felt pretty. Now I sit here in clothes that are stained, slightly heavier from having two children, and I feel ugly and worthless. I’m sad more often then not. I often put on a facade that things are fine to everyone. I try to appear confident, and opinionated, and secure, when in fact, I am insecure, lonely, and sad. How long can I go on like this?

Becoming Truly Independent

To me becoming truly independent is being off the grid. Growing your own food, having solar panels to bring in electricity, using green products, or better yet, making your own products. I haven’t the foggiest idea where to begin. Everyone knows that electrical solutions are expensive, weather they are solar panels, wind turbines. These aren’t the things the average consumer can afford.

I feel like I go in this vicious cycle of understanding my thoughts of being truly independent. I guess I would have to down grade my initial thought of being independent of things I disapprove of. Like our president, the FDA, our dependence on oil…and not just foreign oil, but oil period. I think its hilarious that our government wants to tap into national parks and beautiful resources just to “make gas prices to go down.” So destroy that environment, and save us from pain at the pump for 10 years and then revisit the exact same situation when we’ve used that supply? How about renewable recourses, ones that don’t increase green house gases so we can stop the global warming, but…oh yeah, that doesn’t exist.

So, my first way to combat that is to buy local food, or raise it myself. I was inspired by Barbara Kingsolver in her book Animal, Vegetable, Miracle. She is very knowledgeable about a serious problem with our country’s food, and the food business.  I suggest everyone should read this, liberal, conservative, everyone.  Kid’s don’t like vegetables?  Maybe they haven’t had real ones yet…as in some that aren’t faded, tasteless, grocery store variety.

I wonder though, how much land it would take to be completely free.  A sheep or an alpaca to give us fibers to make clothes, a family cow to give us milk, chickens for eggs, and wheat, fruits and vegetables for the four of us to live on.  What do you guess, an acre, 20 acres?  Is it possible?  Would I have to work 20 hours a day, just to eat, and have clothes on my back?  Give me a tiny house, with a solar panel/wind turbine for energy, a well, and enough energy to do all that, and I will have my bliss.  Not to have to answer to anyone, and have my own tiny peace of heaven on earth to work while I live.  That would be my freedom.

10 Parenting Mistakes

Just an interesting tidbit I found online.

 

10 Parenting Mistakes:
by Jan Hunt, M.Sc.

1. We expect children to be able to do things before they are ready. – We ask an infant to keep quiet. We ask a 2-year-old to sit still. We ask a 4-year-old to clean his room. In all of these situations, we are being unrealistic. We are setting ourselves up for disappointment and setting up the child for repeated failures to please us. Yet many parents ask their young children to do things that even an older child would find difficult. In short, we ask children to stop acting their age.

2. We become angry when a child fails to meet our needs. – A child can only do what he can do. If a child cannot do something we ask, it is unfair and unrealistic to expect or demand more, and anger only makes things worse. A 2-year-old can only act like a 2-year-old, a 5-year-old cannot act like a 10-year-old, and a 10-year-old cannot act like an adult. To expect more is unrealistic and unhelpful. There are limits to what a child can manage, and if we don’t accept those limits, it can only result in frustration on both sides.

3. We mistrust the child’s motives. – If a child cannot meet our needs, we assume that he is being defiant, instead of looking closely at the situation from the child’s point of view, so we can determine the truth of the matter. In reality, a “defiant” child may be ill, tired, hungry, in pain, responding to an emotional or physical hurt, or struggling with a hidden cause such as food allergy. Yet we seem to overlook these possibilities in favor of thinking the worst about the child’s “personality”.

4. We don’t allow children to be children. – We somehow forget what it was like to be a child ourselves, and expect the child to act like an adult instead of acting his age. A healthy child will be rambunctious, noisy, emotionally expressive, and will have a short attention span. All of these “problems” are not problems at all, but are in fact normal qualities of a normal child. Rather, it is our society and our society’s expectations of perfect behavior that are abnormal.

5. We get it backwards. – We expect, and demand, that the child meet our needs – for quiet, for uninterrupted sleep, for obedience to our wishes, and so on. Instead of accepting our parental role to meet the child’s needs, we expect the child to care for ours. We can become so focussed on our own unmet needs and frustrations that we forget this is a child, who has needs of his own.

6. We blame and criticize when a child makes a mistake. – Yet children have had very little experience in life, and they will inevitably make mistakes. Mistakes are a natural part of learning at any age. Instead of understanding and helping the child, we blame him, as though he should be able to learn everything perfectly the first time. To err is human; to err in childhood is human and unavoidable. Yet we react to each mistake, infraction of a rule, or misbehavior with surprise and disappointment. It makes no sense to understand that a child will make mistakes, and then to react as though we think the child should behave perfectly at all times.

7. We forget how deeply blame and criticism can hurt a child. – Many parents are coming to understand that physically hurting a child is wrong and harmful, yet many of us forget how painful angry words, insults, and blame can be to a child who can only believe that he is at fault.

8. We forget how healing loving actions can be. – We fall into vicious cycles of blame and misbehavior, instead of stopping to give the child love, reassurance, self-esteem, and security with hugs and kind words.

9. We forget that our behavior provides the most potent lessons to the child. – It is truly “not what we say but what we do” that the child takes to heart. A parent who hits a child for hitting, telling him that hitting is wrong, is in fact teaching that hitting is right, at least for those in power. It is the parent who responds to problems with peaceful solutions who is teaching his child how to be a peaceful adult. So-called problems present our best opportunity for teaching values, because children learn best when they are learning about real things in real life.

10. We see only the outward behavior, not the love and good intentions inside the child.- When a child’s behavior disappoints us, we should, more than anything else we do, “assume the best”. We should assume that the child means well and is only behaving as well as possible considering all the circumstances (both obvious and hidden from us), together with his level of experience in life. If we always assume the best about our child, the child will be free to do his best. If we give only love, love is all we will receive.

More of my silly dreams

The last three nights I’ve had vivid dreams, ones that I truly only remember for a little bit, and then they fade away as the day goes. I understand that most people don’t put any weight in dreams, but I’ve always tried to write down dreams that I remember. Anyway, here’s this morning’s dream.

I was at my mom’s house, and we were waiting for a date to pick us up. He was late, and I don’t know why he was picking up both me and my mother, or why I was even at her house. (I moved out of that house some 8 years ago, when I was 22).

When he did arrive, he explained to me that he had to meet a client before we could go out to dinner. So, when we got to his place of work, my mom was no longer my mom but my friend Dana (you know how dreams are). We went into his place of work, and my friend Dana, was not really being like herself, she was being very ill mannered, and was pretty embarrassing to my date in front of his clients. I however sat and pretended I was his assistant while he spoke with them.

Once this part was over, we were all ready to start our dates. Dana’s boyfriend met up with us, and we went to a downtown area to have dinner at a casual deli like diner. My date drove a very large SUV, he was very tall, like 6′4” -ish tall. He towered over me. He was of a medium build, as in not skinny, not fat. Dark hair, and a gentle smile. He parked his huge car, and we began walking to the diner. One section of the side walk had shattered glass on it, and of course suddenly I was barefoot. My date grabbed my hand for the first time, to help me walk over it. I found small steps and tip toed through the glass with his help, but eventually found that the entire sidewalk was covered, so that was when he pulled me to him, and lifted me over the glass.

Once at the deli, my friend Dana caused more trouble…apparently the waitress wasn’t very vegetarian friendly. So unlike my friend Dana to cause trouble, and so unlikely that a waitress would yell at someone for coming to their restaurant when they can’t eat most of the food. However that was what happened, and I hated to tell the waitress I didn’t eat meat either, however it seemed that Dana received the brunt of the hostility, because she just sighed at me and she went and got us food. The last part of the dream was me eating mushrooms, and wondering if they had been cooked in beef stock.

I don’t think this dream was prophetic in anyway, but at least I know now what my dream man is. He’s a professional, he’s tall, and he has dark hair. He’s patient, and he’s helpful, and he’s a gentlemen. In my dream, it seemed that his first instinct was to carry me over the glass, but realized that might have been awkward. Instead he only took my hand, then lifted me when it was necessary. In reality, I have a hard time believing that any noteworthy man would be interested in a mom of two, especially since I’ve given up my career to be the best mom I can. While I do work, I either take them with me, or leave them in the care of my trusted Rachel.

When I woke up this morning and did my morning work out before the kids woke up, I wondered how that date would have ended. How that man would have reacted to my motherhood, to my faith, and to my life. He probably would have gone running for the hills, and I suppose I wouldn’t blame him.

Dreams and reality

This morning I woke up from a beautiful dream. I had a dream that I had had dinner with Amma. If you don’t know who Amma is, google her. She is an indian sage who some believe is an incarnation of god. She is the hugging sage, and some say when you hug her, she looks upon you through the eyes of a goddess, looking down at her children.

In my dream, I had attended a dinner party in which Amma was there. We laughed and enjoyed ourselves through out the evening, and being in her presence was immensely beautiful. I must have been young in the dream, because my father had come to get me and as I was getting ready to leave… I was chatting with Amma. Before I left, I asked her for one of her famous hugs, and she happily obliged. Like I had expected, the hug was amazing, I felt my heart open to deity, and I felt truly loved by her. I can only imagine thats what a hug from her would feel like.

I have to tell you just now, my heart stopped. I looked up her schedule. She will be in Washington D.C. this weekend!! I cannot believe the coincidence! I dream of her, and she’s on her way. I doubt any reader would believe that what I’m saying right now is true.

Now what do I do? I had planned this weekend on visiting my best friend, who lives a good three hours from me, and Amma will be less then one hour away.

This was not even the blog I had planned on writing. I had planned on talking about my mother’s first day of chemo/radiation too. Which was yesterday. Well, maybe I’ll do a end of the week wrap up or something. Right now, I have to see if my best friend wants to change plans and come hug a goddess incarnation.

For those who want to see what I’m talking about. Click here.

The daughter of cancer

With my mom’s diagnosis of cancer, not only am I incredibly worried about her, but I’m also concerned with my own health and the rest of my loved ones.  I had been toying with the idea of vegetarianism, and trying it from time to time, and now and then sneaking in fish when offered, etc.  However I’ve finally given up fish, and working on giving up dairy.  I can’t tell you how good I feel.  Hopefully these two things will help me start to peel off this extra weight.

Recently though, I’ve been given an opportunity to live closer to my mom.  I currently live about an hour away, and the house right next door to hers has gone into foreclosure.  Strangely enough though, when speaking to banks about financing, no one can get it even close to where I can afford it.  It costs less then the house I live in now, yet the mortgage would be more then six hundred dollars more.  I’m trying other banks, because this is much more then I figured.

Moving next door to her has been a huge decision for us.  It benefits everyone in my family but me, so in a way, that does benefit me.  It puts me too far away from my school to continue graduate school, but it puts my husband closer to work, 30 miles closer.  It puts my kids in a better school district, and it gives me the ability to bring my mother fresh carrot juice for breakfast every morning while she’s on chemo, and help her with cleaning her house, etc.  I would love to be close to my parents, but I know that living next door will be a curse and a blessing.  My first home was about a mile away from my parents, instead of the current 50 miles.  This decision to move had become a decision of conscience.  How would I feel if I hadn’t jumped on this opportunity and my mother doesn’t pull through her cancer?  Would I sleep at night thinking I didn’t do all I could do for her in her time of need?  I have to know that I did, and perhaps that’s self assurance for me to take on the costs of moving my family.  On top of all of this though, real estate agents are telling me that I won’t be able to get enough rent to cover my mortgage of my current house.  So all in all, I could be out $1000 a year just to continue to own my house that I love in the mountains.

All in all, my mother is a beautiful person.  Often misunderstood, people either love her to death, or don’t like her at all.  Her heart is pure as can be, however she often a critical thinker who doesn’t usually act out on emotion.  She loves deeply, and to see her cry often makes me cry too, only because I can’t bear to see her hurting.  It took me nearly 30 years to understand her, and I hope that now that I do, I won’t be loosing her.

Battling Depression the Natural Way

In America, depression is all too common. People are obese, they eat poor diets, and they feel awful physically and emotionally. One can say that we are victims of our society, but we know better too, and much of this can be avoided if one carries on a healthy lifestyle.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not the healthiest person, so don’t misunderstand me, I’m not on a soap box here. I need to shed about 50 pounds before I would even think about a soap box (my fat ass would crush it!). I lighted heartedly tell my friends I’m the fat vegetarian. My skinny vegan friend tells me, cut the diary, and you’ll feel so much better! I don’t know about that, but…I’m digressing here.

Some things that will help stave off depression. Omega-3’s is a big one. I know a few articles ago, I briefly discussed the horrific practices of factory farming, and eating meat, etc. If you eat meat, get yourself some wild Alaskan Salmon when your feeling the blues, and top it off with some Asparagus. A deficiency in Omega-3’s and PABA (para aminobenzoic acid) can cause mental depression. It can be difficult for vegetarians to get their Omega-3’s, but if you use flaxseed oil for your salad dressings, or general cooking, you will get a very healthy dose, and believe it or not, you’ll do better then the fish eaters. Hemp oil, walnuts, and dark leafy greens are also a good way to get your omega-3’s. As far as your Paba’s go, here you go again with your dark leafy greens, brussels sprouts, broccoli, asparagus, and root vegetables can help keep you straight. If you don’t like many of these veggies, get a juicer. I love my juicer!!!!

As far as herbs go for depression, I do keep a stash of St. John’s Wort tea on hand. Beware of using herbs like candy. They are medicines and they have side effects. I do not like to use this tea in the summer because it makes skin sensitive to sunlight. You should probably avoid sun exposure for at least 24 hours after having this tea, not hard to do if your battling the winter blues I suppose.

When I’m feeling the darkness coming (this is how I refer my own depression), I snuggle my kids, I do my hair, I go for a run with my dog. I refuse to succumb to my darkness. To me, the darkness is a sign that I forgot to do something I should have done. I’m not being responsible to myself. I’ve hit rock bottom, I’ve had the sun stop shining, and I’ve felt a complete and total hopelessness, and pointlessness to it all. I’ve been there, and I’ve pulled myself out quietly. I know that when I do things to be healthy, I don’t get there to begin with.

Be blessed, be happy, and be sure to reach out when you hit rock bottom.

Secular Homeschooling

Liberals home school too. Surprising?

I haven’t been sticking to a strict home schooling routine because my children are very young. But having an education degree, and having taught in public schools, I realize the importance of family involvement in education is vital to a child’s success in school. I decided this summer I would take my son through first grade math, before he enters kindergarten this fall, among working on his penmanship. If I had it 100% my way, my son would not be entering kindergarten in the fall. He’s looking forward to it though, and I also feel that part of being a good parent is listening to your child, so….I’m letting him try it out.

I’ve heard that some children in kindergarten don’t know their colors yet. I’ve heard that some don’t know their alphabet yet. I’m worried that my son, while a tad socially behind, will begin to drag intellectually too because he is ahead of his peers. I’m hoping however he’ll gain more self esteem because he’ll see that he’s ahead of his classmates. I’m also worried that he may develop a mentality that I disapprove of, what I call the backwoods mentality. The racists, confederate flag raising, beer smelling, uneducated mentality that is prevalent in my area is not one I want my children to adopt. Will they learn it in kindergarten? Of course not, which is why I’m allowing him to go this year. I will not allow him to continue in this public school system passed first or second grade though. So the solution is, we either move, or I school them at home.

Right now, I still have my teaching license. I renewed it the last year I taught, and it expires in 2012. Because of this, I don’t have to purchase any curriculum or anything else to teach my children. In the eyes of the state, I’m qualified to use my own judgment. My son is enjoying his morning school work (most days), and we’re usually done by 9:30-10:00 am. That leaves us the rest of the day to enjoy exploring our world and going places and learning. To be honest, I absolutely love spending time with my children. We go for nature walks, where I teach him the difference between a maple tree and an oak tree, a robin vs. a cardinal, and to live and let live. Compassion, respect, and enjoying it the entire time.